cplesko

Healing After Experiencing Codependency/Sexual Assault/ Food Addiction

Day 253 It’s A New Day…How Are You Feeling?

on September 10, 2013

Day 253…Today is a new day!  How are you feeling about it?  I remember just a little over a year ago, I was facing some of the most difficult days of my life.  I had decided to begin to take my health seriously and change some bad habits I had created!  I started a healthy workout plan, but mastering what went into my mouth, now THAT was another story!  I was a food addict!  My life and decisions centered around FOOD!  My emotions….centered around FOOD!  Everyday I was plagued with what food meant to me.  I remember feeling desperate about wanting to release my weight and this time I wanted it to be a permanent weight loss instead of the yo yo dieting I had done over the past 20 years!  I decided I was going to change the foods in the house not just for me, but to teach my children good habits, too.  The most difficult adjustment was my love of FROSTING!  I ate it by the spoonfuls!  I loved frosting and it loved me…it loved my hips, my belly, my CHIN….frosting was my biggest struggle!  I bought 1 -2 tubs a week and hid it in the refrigerator so no one but me could find it or eat it!  I remember those feelings I would get when I would head over to the fridge to eat my beloved frosting…what I perceive to be equivalent to a drug addiction…that shaking inside, like I had to have it…that feeling that would overcome me when I was going to have FROSTING…it was my addiction…my FOOD addiction!  As I began changing my habits, I also knew my frosting habit had to change.  I was working out everyday, but it wasn’t going to make a difference if I followed it up with 1000 calories of FROSTING!  Something had to change…and it all came down to how bad did I really want it?  What was going to win…the frosting OR the weight release?  It was entirely up to me to decide!  I was tired of the weight, that I knew!  I was tired of feeling sad about myself…I felt belittled…worthless…dissatisfied…FAT…and this poor mental state and how I felt about me all centered around one thing…my weight!  I was embarrassed in my own body so I had to do something.  That fateful day finally came and the last tub of frosting was gone.  I made a commitment to myself that it was time to conquer my addiction and truly feel good about myself again so no more buying frosting!  Today was the day!  I remember so many of the steps I had to alter in my day to become successful in this journey.  I was not only eating frosting, but also doing a lot of what I like to call unconscious eating…you know the walk past the box of crackers sitting on the counter and grab just a handful…5 times a day…or finishing the kids food they left on the plate…I mean it was only a couple bites, and I didn’t want it to go to waste…(or is that waist?!)…or dinner was over, I was full…but I will just eat a couple more bites out of the pan (which I now believe was probably another serving!) Yeah, I was eating far more each day than I realized!  It was in those moments I could justify my eating habits and truly believe and tell you, it was my thyroid…AGAIN!  I DO have a thyroid condition, but honestly…my weight was about nothing more than what I was putting in my mouth…all day everyday!  Changing my habits was difficult…conquering the addiction was MORE difficult!  I not only had to alter what was going in my mouth but consciously alter habits.  I remember going through the sugar withdrawal…WOW what a nightmare!  I have two coaches who probably didn’t realize I called both of them about 5 times each that day.  It was HORRIBLE!  I wanted sugar SOOO bad I would have eaten anything just to make it stop…but I stuck to my commitment.  I talk a lot about one day at a time…well I had days, it was one moment at a time…consciously putting foods away just so I wouldn’t eat when I wasn’t hungry…stopping those extra bites after dinner…teaching my children to throw away their plates even if food was left on them.  I was altering everything NOW!  And it was difficult!  Today, I am thankful I have over a year behind me and that my addiction is not controlling me any longer…it is in fact ME controlling the addiction.  I would be lying to you to say it never occurs…there are days I make decisions and wish I hadn’t!  BUT the great thing is…it doesn’t go on for days or weeks now!  It is sometimes just a meal or ONE day!  I don’t give myself the “wait until Monday to start again” excuse to eat non stop and get ready for another Monday.  The biggest hurdle in conquering my food addiction was adjusting my attitude toward the food.  Food was a sense of pleasure for me.  It was a reward…a treat…a void filler…!  Today it is about nourishment.  I truly don’t have to have those calorie rich, carbohydrate laden, heavy foods to feel satisfied.  I eat differently.  The biggest thing I learned…to eat ONLY when I am hungry and to eat several small meals per day with fruits, vegetables, meats and portion controlled sizes!  Knowing that I am nourishing my body instead of feeding my addiction changed my attitude…my body…and my life!  So it is a new day…how are you feeling about yourself and your body?  Good?  or SAD?  What changes can you make to do something different in your life?  It is still early…don’t worry if breakfast already messed you up…it was ONE MEAL…you still have the rest of the day to do something great for yourself…and you will feel really great about YOU when you follow through with your commitments.  This is experience talking!  Been there…done that…and there is nothing better than being stopped at the post office and having someone ask…how much weight have your lost, you look great….or my favorite…how many miles are you walking a day?  I see you walking all the time…YES!  And I FEEL AWESOME!  Do something for YOU today.  ACT TODAY…not tomorrow…I remember waking up each morning and telling myself…ok, just for today, I am honoring my commitment to my weight release.  I wasn’t telling myself it would be months…just today and everyday I got to make that decision!  What will you do today?  Make it an awesome ONE!  You got this one…and I am here cheering you on!  HUGS! 

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